Changes

A lot has changed in my life as of late..
New friendships, as well as demolished ones.
New opportunities, new interests, new loves, as well as new hates.

I think, as the days go by, we begin to realise things.
People we love change, as do people we hate.
We befriend those we never thought we would, and begin to despise those we thought we loved most.

I love changes, good and bad.
They keep you guessing, and make life more interesting.

I can breathe.

:)

Everything is a little better nowadays.

I got the school bullshit out of my system, and me and Tony had a chat.. geez that man loves me.

So, its Mackillop Day tomorrow and I'm having drinkies :P Totally gonna vomit in church. NOT REALLY. I'm definitely not that badass.

I like breathing. Slow breathing. It's relaxing and thought provoking. I don't even know what I'm talking about now, haha.

This blog is so pointless.

MORAL OF THE BLOG: I'm doing fine. :)))

Wishing.. to no avail.

Okay so its 1.19am and I can't sleep.
No surprises there.
I can never sleep.
It's like I'm a fucking bat or something.

I was just thinking.. about the people that are most important to us in our lives, whether it be our mothers, or fathers, siblings, lovers or even a best friend. How much do we really know about them? Sure, we know what they've told us.. and how they are feeling on the surface, but is there even any truth in that? Do they have an ulterior motive? Are they just trying to make us happy? To shut us up? To stop us asking questions?
I feel.. funny at the moment. Its so wierd.. I feel like, like, like I don't even know my best friend. I think about all the time we've spent together, and about her reactions to certain events and people, and how they've changed, for whatever reason.. and I've realised.. I don't know her at all.
I wish she would talk to me, there is so much I want to share with her, but, I feel as if I can't. I guess our relationship has dwindled into pretty much nothing, I'm just an associate, a stranger she has taken pity on. Its upsetting me, because, the more I think about it, the more I feel as if I have never even known her. I try to think about things she thinks, or what she would do in certain situations, but, unless it is blatantly obvious, I can't come to any sound resolution.. because I honestly don't know.

And then it's times like these, when I realise that silence does mean everything. Her silence, to me, shows that either:
a) She couldn't care less about the subject being discussed, or blurted out by me.. or that
b) She's disappointed, or deeply hurt by something I've said, and won't tell me whats going on.

The worst part is, I never know when she really needs me. To be honest, I don't think she needs me at all, I think she just needs her father, her lover, and her sister. I guess it's hard to deal with though, because I need her, especially now of all times. I want to tell her how I feel, and have a bit of a cry and a laugh about how stupid and ridiculous it is, I want to tell her about the new and exciting things in my life, I want to tell her everything. I want to tell her how I miss her, and how I'm sorry for everything, and how I wish I could be there for her, like she always has been for me. I wish she felt like she could tell me things.

I wish I knew what to do with my life. I wish things weren't as complicated as they are. But right now, I wish that I could sleep. It's driving me absolutely fucking crazy, this no sleeping bullshit.. It's like, I can't sleep alone anymore. Or maybe it's just here.. maybe being in this big, cold, dark house alone has finally gotten to me. Agh. This house. I have a dangerous romance with it. I love being here, but it isolates me from everyone, and maybe I like that? But I think it's bad for me. My personality thrives on people, whether they're my friend, or treating me like a piece of shit. Oh my god, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.

It's 1.40am, and I'm going to try and sleep. Again. :|

We don't have much room to live.

This song is amazing. I know I say that about a lot of songs, but this one actually is. It makes me.. I don't know, it makes me feel so many different emotions. I feel miserable, I feel enlightened, I feel awake, I feel like walking in the rain. I don't know if a song has ever made me feel as many emotions at once as this one has.

It goes for nine minutes, and twenty nine seconds. On the surface, its about love, and cheating. The lyrics "and you're restless, and I'm naked, you gotta get out, you cant stand to see me shaking" prove this. It explores the dark, addictive and beautiful sides of passion, and is mainly about how the vocalist cheated on his girlfriend at the time, Krystal.

Konstantine, I think, is a play on words. Konfusion with a K, Konstant with a K. Andrew (the vocalist) and his girlfriend were on and off, always breaking up, and getting back together, so constant is a thing he wishes their relationship was.

When he mentions 11:11, I think he's referring to the story that goes around where you are supposed to make a wish at 11.11. The wish, is related to the relationship, and how he wishes he hadn't cheated on her, and hurt her.. and that their relationship was better.

This song actually makes me cry.

Good Friend.

This weekend was actually brilliant.

Friday, 24th July, 2009.
I'm thinking it began on the Friday, the twenty-fourth of July, two thousand and nine. The day went terribly slowly, which was uber-depressing, but whatevs', it was worth it. :) Anyway, after school I made my way to the Church where I was picked up by my good friend Taties (Josh). As we exited the premises we saw Mr. Chai Jeffery, walking towards the Church, and Josh, after having his head nicely shaved, frantically bleeped the horn and threw his limbs about. The look on Chai's face was priceless. It was the best confused facial expression I've ever seen. We then drove to South West Hobbies and Games (a.k.a Sids, or The Shop) and I got changed into some informal clothes, and out of my snobby looking MacKillop Catholic College school uniform. I spent the next hour or so watching Clam (Callum/Camel, whatevs.), Taties and Sid (his name is also Josh, but lets just pretend its not.. too confusing) playing a racing game on the computer and listening to Little Josh (stupid little irritating faggotty prick of a 14yo tween that happens to like it there) ranting on about god knows what.
At about 0430, Josh, Callum and I ventured into Dunsborough to pick Brad up from work. He showered, I said 'hello' to Xena (Brad's staffie) and then we set off for Busselton. Once we got there, we indulged in McDonalds (yes, I had a Jaz moment, and couldn't swipe my card. Highly embarrassing.), huge, I know and then we went back to Sids so the kids could play M10 (the new set of Magic: The Gathering). They played Sealed, which went for a few hours, and after that played Draft, which went for a bit longer. It was pretty fun, I hung out with my friend Jess, and we fetched refreshments every now and then for the boys. Little Josh continued to provide much discomfort, and even made a nasty comment about Brad and Sam (Jess' boyfriend) learning to choose better girlfriends. Of course I then retaliated with some cruel threat and glared at him for the rest of the night, not that I hadn't been slightly aggravating him already. :P
We left pretty late, I don't exactly remember the time. When we got home, I stayed up a little while and chatted to Brad's mum, and she showed me some hilarious baby pictures of Brad. That was definitely a highlight. www.mulletsrus.com/hahabradhadamullet! :P
Then it was bedtime. :)

Saturday, 25th July, 2009.
Today was an exceptional day. We awoke, Brad got up and had a shower.. I just layed around for a few more minutes, wishing I was still asleep. :) After having an awesome shower and packing, we set off for Rockingham, W.A. There was a slight battle of wills, between Brad and Deb, and Peter about what to get for breakfast, McDonalds? Or Hungry Jacks? Anyway, McDonalds won, and we got Bacon and Egg McMuffins. Mmmmm. I played Plants vs. Zombies on Brad's Eeepc on the way up, and Brad slept. :)
When we got to Kiels (Brad's best friend), there were hugs a-plenty. :) I got to meet Emma (Kiel's girlfriend) and see Kiel again. Emma got ready for work, and we just hung about, not doing much. We dropped Emma off at work at about 1pm, and then went and got some Hungry Jacks :). After HJs we went to Mundijong, where Brad's aunty lived, and the surprise party for his Nan was being held, and.. we passed a LLAMA FARM!!! That was cool. I met the family, they were all pretty neat, smiley and all welcoming. :) When Brad's Nan showed up it was really cute, she totally started crying because she was so shocked and happy! :D I met the two cutest babies I've ever seen, and this cousin of Brad's called Dale, who is pretty much Mitchell, but the Rockingham version. :) Brad and Kiel discovered this awesome Pinball machine, that had this big scary fish and a seedy old man pelican smoking a pipe on it. The cake was pretty damn fine. Then Wyn showed up with his friend Kyle, and we ended up leaving. Wyn and Kyle were hell hungry so we went back to Hungry Jacks and sat with them while they om nom nommed some burgers and chips. Wyn (Brad's other best friend, is pretty much the most hilarious, quick witted jerk I've ever met.) ripped into everyone, as he does, and made a few racist "Nigga" remarks. 'Twas hilarious, because after he'd made a completely insulted every Indigenous person ever he noticed there was one at the cash register and shat, and said that he'd probably get "Nigga-knifed" (to be attacked with a smashed glass bottle, by an Indigenous person). There was a mother with some small children nearby, glaring in our direction, I think she was pretty insulted.
We picked Emma up from work at 7pm, and that was the end to our meeting with Wyn (they dont get along very well). But that was okay, cos we went to TIMEZONE! We played the candy - winning machine, Kiel and Emma owning, me and Brad failing, epicly. We also played Mario Kart a few times, I won against Brad once! :D That was pretty good. :P Uhhh, Brad and Kiel played Dance Dance Revolution and Air Hockey and some random other things, and Emma owned the skill testers (I totally got Thumpers girlf from it! :D (you know, Thumper from Bambi)). Oi, we also got these awesome photos taken in those asian photobooth things! (My eyes were obviously closed in half of them. Ahahah.)
When we went home, I had some Vodka and juice, Kiel plaited my hair, it was really cute :P and we watched Hercules, Brad being the only one who could keep his eyes open. Kiel and Emma fell asleep pretty much right away, and me and Brad bailed after Megara sang 'I won't say I'm in Love.' I had a pretty awesome sleep that night. :)

Sunday, July 26th, 2009.
Today I awoke at about 10.30am and got up soon after. We had toasted ham and cheese sandwhiches for breakfast/brunch. :) We didn't really do much that day.. we just kind of hung around again. :) Listened to some musics, had some hugs. :D. I got to meet Matt, another friend of Brad's. He was pretty awesome. Emma went to work.. I gots a curly wurly and a mocha, we went back to Kiels, had chats, and then Brad's parents came to get us. The trip back was kind of nice actually, I got to semi-nap and talk to Brad and his parents about the events of the weekend. Then I returned to Capel, and well, here I am, writing this. :)

I don't know how awesome my weekend sounds to you, but if you knew Kiel, Brad or even Wyn, you would understand how awesome and fun it was. Multiple hugs from Brad and Kiel. :D <3 <3

Ultimate Break - Up Song

Hello all.

Pretty sure that this song here, its called Break Myself, by Something Corporate is the best break-up song ever. Haha. Its an amazing song in general, but its also pretty good at releasing bad emotional tension from your body. I hell love it.

I'm on fire
And the day is feeling hopeless
You'd see me burning but the burning's turning smokeless
Soon I won't feel at all
No

It's electric the neon hurt inside your phone call
The layered sadness and the madness it revolves
Bringing down the walls where you found her
No

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

And now I'm static
As your sky is turning purple and gray
I'm learning that the further that I crawl
The farther that I fall, is that ok?
No

And you're in pieces
As your world becomes a rainstorm
You've got no shelter I'm a thousand miles away
If you survive the day

You say your leaving
You say your leaving

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

So you don't hurt so much

Never again will we fire this gun
No never again your the only one
No never again but you're already gone.

I'm willing to break myself
I'm not afraid
I'm willing to break myself
I'm not afraid
I'm willing to break myself
I'm not afraid

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

So much
So much
So much
So much

Spielende!

Schooling = Over

Ahem.

This post is the official announcement of my, to put it bluntly, dropping out of MacKillop Catholic College, situated in Hell, and by Hell, I mean Busselton.

Feel free to post me hate mail comments telling me how pathetic I am being, I do expect that, as I know, most, if not all of my friends disapprove of my leaving school, just as they disapproved of my slutty act of having sex with my boyfriend, right? Fucking hell.

I shall end this short post with one question..

Why stay at school when you are only going to fail? Isn't it more logical to quit while you're ahead, and just redo the year with minimum stress and no TEE.. seeing as you're just going to fail anyway?

Argh.

I'm so irritated.

I REALLY wanna drop out of school. I'm so terrible at it, and I won't get into University anyway, so what's the point? I hate this. :(

The only thing holding me back is that Jess and Chris will kill me. That's it, the ONLY thing. I mean, I could just go to Tafe and get my Year 12 cert. That sounds like the perfect plan to me. I can't cope with TEE and school. Everyone was right, I'm just not smart enough for it, and I don't have the motivation to do well. I'm sick of failing. And I'm sick of everyone giving me a hard time about it. Not coping. At all.

Music.

I love listening to music. Just.. the way it makes me feel, I don't know, it is something I myself, cannot comprehend. Unfathomable, are the emotions. Unexplainable, the feelings.

You can breathe, you can breathe now, you can breathe but the air is running out.

(Jack's Mannequin - MFEO: Made For Each Other)

See, to me, these lyrics tell a story of somebody, who has been through a really hard time and are finally achieving peace and happiness, but, its too late now, for they are about to die, or something is about to happen to tear them apart again. Like, their happiness will be short lived.. and as soon as they get over something, something bad happens again. I guess, to me, it captures the true essence of life.. the beautiful times are short and amazing, and you spend the rest of your time healing, and trying to cope with all your emotions, however ridiculous they may be.

Some of the most amazing lyrics, I think, are written by Jesse Lacey, of Brand New. Take the song Sic Transit Gloria.. Glory Fades for example;

Keep the noise low.
She doesn't wanna blow it.
Shaking from head to toe
while your left hand does "the show me around."
Quickens your heartbeat.
It beats me straight into the ground.

You don't recover from a night like this.
A victim still lying in bed, completely motionless.
A hand moves in the dark to a zipper.
Hear a boy bracing tight against sheets barely whisper,
"This is so messed up."

Upon arrival the guests had all stared.
Dripping wet and clearly depressed,
he'd headed straight for the stairs.
No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch,
unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships.

(Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.)
He keeps his hands low.
He doesn't wanna blow it.
He's wet from head to toe and
his eyes give her the up and the down.
His stomach turns and he thinks of throwing up.
But the body on the bed beckons forward
and he starts growing up.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed, but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

She hits the lights.
This doesn't seem quite fair.
Despite everything he learned from his friends,
he doesn't feel so prepared.
She's breathing quiet and smooth.
He's gasping for air.

"This is the first and last time," he says.
She fakes a smile and presses her hips into his.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He's holding back from telling her
exactly what it really feels like.

He is the lamb, she is the slaughter.
She's moving way too fast, and all he wanted was to hold her.
Nothing that he tells her is really having an effect.
He whispers that he loves her,
but she's probably only looking for sss...

(Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.)
So much more than he could ever give.
A life free of lies and a meaningful relationship.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He waits for it to end
and for the aching in his guts to subside.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed, but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed, but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

See, when you first hear this song, or read the lyrics, your instincts will tell you its about sex. On the surface, yes, it is about sex.. but it's also about so many other things. That's what I love about this song, how you can relate it to a million other things.

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. I love Brand New.

Everyone should listen to them at least once. <3

History Lesson.

This is an awesome story I read while at an English Seminar at ECU.

Past the same school window, each morning. I watched her float by.

She hurried within the scaffold of walking; she flew and hurriedly flurried and threw herself about in a flustered rush, but never quite moved quickly. Her eyes were wide, lips tight and paling with the cold, scarf folded carefully around her neck, draping, dripping down her breast.

I had been behind that same window almost every day throughout the years, amongst the other things, that we had shared. Whether those things be upon paper, or card, through touch or gesture, we took pleasure in sending messages to one another, in the ways others often neglected.

We happily dwelled smilingly within emotional institutions that children didn't often embrace in these times.
We wrote each other letters and practised poetry.
We penned and scrawled each other sometimes awful drawings.
We lived in an empire of paint, pencil, scissors, and card.

Whatever was at hand we had the means to give life. Give whatever we like, life.
With our ideas, with out mental glue and staples, we made things draw victorious breath.
We smashed so many things together, melted and stuck so many things that we lost track of what we were trying to convey in favour of the thrilling conveyance.

We were oh so extravagant. Trying to sort out our heads, cut out and colour our brains and paste glitter upon our throbbing stomachs; running to glue our hearts onto each other.

We had History alongside each other. The desks were small, our shoulders brushed as we wrote.

One day a note came, pushed across, under her fingers.

I never did quite understand us.

I never did.

But I know;

that I never quite enjoy myself as I should,

when you aren't with me.

I don't think I love you.

I don't think I do.

I've always been very alone.

I've never been loved either...

All I can say is that every time the phone rings I shiver to think it may possibly be you.

I looked at her for a small while, and she stared at me. We looked down and then both continued to write. We never verbalised what that particular note really meant to both of us amongst all others. History had never really seemed to offer any answers.

Our History teacher Mr. Henry once commented in front of the class that he saw himself, he and his wife, within both of us. Nobody had ever known why. The others had laughed, but we wished he had expanded, told us what he had seen, what he had meant. What had he seen in us?

He was old, his eyes were wide, wet, and his head was tipped back, his mouth slightly open in deep reminiscence.
His wife had died many years ago. Everybody knew. He had since gone a long way away from here.
He adjusted his brown jacket, giving it a tug and a straighten. He had approached me and rubbed my head softly, tears dripping down his face, his body rapturous with the sharp reverberation of practised, well hidden, sobs. He rubbed my head and walked out of the room, holding the thick black frames of his glasses.

I decided to follow him out.

She stood and came too.

Sex and Love.

On Thursday, the sixteenth of July, two thousand and nine, I lost my virginity.

It was amazing.

It's crazy, I thought the "popping of the cherry" was supposed to be painful, but it wasn't for me. It was beautiful, and I don't think I've ever felt so.. close to someone.

It's kind of annoying, because, I've only been "seeing" my boyfriend for three weeks, and, everything has been moving so fast. I don't mind so much, because, everything we're doing feels so right. I guess I'm just concerned about what all my friends think. I know they completely disapprove.

I think that they are thinking How-does-she-even-know-if-she-loves-him-they've-only-been-together-for-three-weeks!?

That is a fair enough assumption, but I feel, I don't know, I love him, and I think thats all that matters. I am one thousand percent sure that I did the right thing, and that my feelings for him are true. I hope my friends can accept it, and not think badly of me, but only time will tell.

An Overview of Myself

Good evening readers, if any,

This blog is written in that of an introductory manner. I am new to Blogspot and, well.. I don't know, I suppose I'm still figuring it all out.

My first name is Jasmine; yes, like the flower and the rice. However, I was not named after either of these things. Unfortunately, I was named after something a little more, how do you say.. lame? Yes, a character from the hit day time drama, Days of Our Lives. Just to let you know, it is not something I am proud of, it's just a little quirky fact you may wish to know, or not, it doesn't matter.

I'm seventeen years old. Not old enough to know anything, nor young enough to know nothing. It's an interesting age, and I feel sorry for it.. It's kind of like, you're just waiting to be eighteen, so you don't even appreciate being seventeen.
I quite like the way the word "seventeen" sounds. Seh-ven-teen. Seventeen. I don't know, it's just, nice.

I'm in Year Twelve. It's difficult. I have no motivation to do anything, and so, I don't care. Unfortunate for me, as this year is basically the beginning of the rest of my life.

I like simple things. Yes, I know what you're thinking, simple things for simple minds. Yeah well, you know what? I am simple - minded. I like to think about the intricacies of life, but I think I can change my thinking on a regular basis.

My best trait? I would have to say is my ability to change easily. I can adapt to whatever circumstance I'm put in, and come out of it okay, or wiser even. I believe I am resilient and strong mentally, usually. Sometimes I have a small relapse and go mental, but hey, it keeps things exciting. :)

My Worst trait? I'm nosy, manipulative and indecisive. Yes, I thirst for knowledge, about anything, everything! This person's friend's boyfriend's medical history, or even the name of that girl down the road's mother's favourite aunt. Oh, and then I try and tell my friends, and it comes out as a mush of incoherent babble. Even if you don't notice it, I'm still secretly trying to control the situation to get what I want. My indecisiveness is probably the worst. It aggravates everyone. I think I'm mainly indecisive because I don't want to put people out, or to taint their opinion of me in a negative way. I know it sounds stupid.. but I don't know. I can't help it.

And so, dear friends, that is the end of my first blog.