Wishing.. to no avail.

Okay so its 1.19am and I can't sleep.
No surprises there.
I can never sleep.
It's like I'm a fucking bat or something.

I was just thinking.. about the people that are most important to us in our lives, whether it be our mothers, or fathers, siblings, lovers or even a best friend. How much do we really know about them? Sure, we know what they've told us.. and how they are feeling on the surface, but is there even any truth in that? Do they have an ulterior motive? Are they just trying to make us happy? To shut us up? To stop us asking questions?
I feel.. funny at the moment. Its so wierd.. I feel like, like, like I don't even know my best friend. I think about all the time we've spent together, and about her reactions to certain events and people, and how they've changed, for whatever reason.. and I've realised.. I don't know her at all.
I wish she would talk to me, there is so much I want to share with her, but, I feel as if I can't. I guess our relationship has dwindled into pretty much nothing, I'm just an associate, a stranger she has taken pity on. Its upsetting me, because, the more I think about it, the more I feel as if I have never even known her. I try to think about things she thinks, or what she would do in certain situations, but, unless it is blatantly obvious, I can't come to any sound resolution.. because I honestly don't know.

And then it's times like these, when I realise that silence does mean everything. Her silence, to me, shows that either:
a) She couldn't care less about the subject being discussed, or blurted out by me.. or that
b) She's disappointed, or deeply hurt by something I've said, and won't tell me whats going on.

The worst part is, I never know when she really needs me. To be honest, I don't think she needs me at all, I think she just needs her father, her lover, and her sister. I guess it's hard to deal with though, because I need her, especially now of all times. I want to tell her how I feel, and have a bit of a cry and a laugh about how stupid and ridiculous it is, I want to tell her about the new and exciting things in my life, I want to tell her everything. I want to tell her how I miss her, and how I'm sorry for everything, and how I wish I could be there for her, like she always has been for me. I wish she felt like she could tell me things.

I wish I knew what to do with my life. I wish things weren't as complicated as they are. But right now, I wish that I could sleep. It's driving me absolutely fucking crazy, this no sleeping bullshit.. It's like, I can't sleep alone anymore. Or maybe it's just here.. maybe being in this big, cold, dark house alone has finally gotten to me. Agh. This house. I have a dangerous romance with it. I love being here, but it isolates me from everyone, and maybe I like that? But I think it's bad for me. My personality thrives on people, whether they're my friend, or treating me like a piece of shit. Oh my god, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.

It's 1.40am, and I'm going to try and sleep. Again. :|